Holiness itself created me, and I can know my Source because it is Your Will that You be known.
– A Course in Miracles, Lesson 299
I walked around for a lot of years feeling like I wasn’t worth anything. My father trafficked in shame and blame and I don’t recall hearing a lot of encouraging words from either of my parents. In my teens and 20s, I was very quiet and in my first relationship, people would ask me a direct question and I would allow my partner to answer for me.
It was a radio talk show that drew me out of my shell and gave me the first steps I needed to overcome my shyness, as well as give me a budding sense of worth. It wasn’t that I heard this talk show – I created it. For some reason (Divine, I’m guessing), the powers that be at the radio station I was working for as a reporter and news anchor in Gainesville, Georgia, decided to give me an afternoon “drive time” talk show. In radio terms, that’s a sweet spot because people are trapped in their cars driving home with you on their radio.
That talk show required me to recruit guests, which meant (gasp!), I had to pick up a phone and talk to people and ask them to be on my show. Sure, most people wanted to do it because they had a cause, product or idea to promote, but making the ask the first few times terrified me! My ego voice kept saying, “Why would anyone want to talk to you on this rinky-dink AM radio station in a small NE Georgia town?”
Turns out, there were loads of people who wanted to be on my show, and the signal of the station reached the Atlanta metro area, where I actually got decent ratings competing with the “big shots” in that major market. It certainly was a boost to my self-confidence.
However, there remained, back then, my “big secret.” I was in my first long-term lesbian relationship in that moment – and deeply, deeply closeted about it. Having grown up in the Southern Baptist tradition, I was taught to be deeply ashamed of my budding homosexuality. It was a curse, not a blessing, and something that I should never, ever tell others about, lest they learn the truth about me being an abomination to God and all.
My biggest fear about coming out while being a public figure in a conservative Georgia town was, of course, about losing my job. My deepest fear about coming out, though, was that it would confirm my suspicions that I was worthless and worthy only of scorn and rejection by those around me – not just by God.
I had given up on God at this point, saying, “If God can’t love me like I am, then I can’t love Him like He is.” Because, y’know, God has always been a man in my upbringing – a super human one, but still male.
It wasn’t until I entered the Atlanta radio market as a reporter and anchor that I felt comfortable about coming out – since there were already two out lesbians working in the newsroom at the time. My relief was great, but I was still cautious about being “too out.”
This lesson brings back those memories because my fear of being rejected clouded the reality of who I truly am – of who all of us truly are: eternally Holy. The illusion of rejection and unworthiness obscured the radiance that is truly me and all I could see for many years was that illusion of unworthiness. Sadly, illusions still tend to cloud my vision of who I truly am. I still allow feelings of guilt, unworthiness and fear to creep into my mind and wreak havoc.
Today’s lesson invites us all to remember who we truly are – innocent, Divine Children of our Loving Creator – and the remember the truth that we have never left the Divine mind of God, even as we appear to be in separate forms in this illusionary world.
Our holiness is not of us, because the material realm cannot contain holiness – it can only be created by our collective egos. Our holiness dwells in this bodily suit while we are here learning how to forgive and how to remember who we truly are. That means nothing we do while in this bodily world can sully or ruin our true, Divine Self. It always – eternally – remains Holy, unable to be attacked, wounded or killed.
I tried to commit spiritual suicide when my sexual orientation presented itself early on in my life – but the Course reminds me that is wholly impossible. Nothing can harm the holiness we all carry inside. The ego likes to keep clouding our memory of who we are with shame, blame, unworthiness and despair. The truth is, all those feelings are an illusion. When we understand our truth – and our divine worthiness – those illusions can melt away as we embrace our true magnificence.
The Muslim mystic poet Hafiz sums it up this way:
How many times has your soul felt empty
and then maybe, a temple for all near you became?
Bring those, anything you have cherished, to the
forefront of your mind’s view, where they belong
as a testament to your destiny.
Some pendulum, which you bought a ticket on,
rocks this way and that. You can get off. Become
more centered.
Photo by Tom Roberts on Unsplash