Category: A Year of Miracle Writing

Lesson 48: There is nothing to fear.

Today’s lesson makes me laugh – or it makes my ego laugh anyway – manically, in fact. My ego tells me there is absolutely everything to fear in this bodily realm: death, taxes, homelessness, illness, bill collectors, rejection, loneliness, unworthiness, depression. The ego has an endless list of fears it can parade in front of our mind’s eye in every moment of our existence.

I call this the “Yeah, but …” parade, because every time I say, “There’s nothing to fear,” my ego sends a float by emblazoned with “Yeah, but …” what about this or that? What about the fear that you’ll never be able to afford to retire? What about the fear that your bank account will be wiped out by one big, or even one little illness? What about the fear that your government will go fascist and you sat on your butt and typed out thoughts about a spiritual book?

The “Yeah, but …” parade is frightening, and it’s meant to be, because as long as I remain in fear, then the ego has me firmly in its clutches. The ego’s parade tells me stories about how I’ve been done wrong in the past and how those wrongs will continue into the future if I don’t trust it’s plans and take refuge in its “strength” to protect me.

Continue reading “AYoMW: Feb. 17, 2020: Yeah, but …”

Lesson 47: God is the strength in which I trust.

The first three steps in Alcoholics Anonymous can provide a great outline on how to approach today’s lesson. They are:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

Most people come into 12-step programs after they have hit their so-called “rock bottom,” where they realize, as one program slogan goes, “Your best thinking got you here.”

Continue reading “AYoMW: Feb. 16, 2020 — Your best thinking got you here”

Lesson 46: God is the Love in which I forgive.

As I stood before my father’s grave 20 years ago, intent on forgiving him for the divorce of my mother, his abandonment of our family, and the years of anger, rage and cynicism it had bred within me, I faltered. I had prepared for this moment with my therapist and by reading about forgiveness and release. But, in that moment, my grievance with him outweighed my intended forgiveness.

I let loose on him. I stood before that headstone and listed all of my grievances – the keen sense of abandonment, betrayal and anger his actions had stirred in me. My entire identity had been wrapped up in that moment when my father left our home, only to reappear through phone calls and infrequent in-person visits. My rage at him was palpable in that moment.

I knew nothing about A Course in Miracles during this time, but I believe that I was finally able to forgive my father through God’s Love and not my own. My own petty, small, conditional love could never reach a place of forgiveness for the man I blamed for my hard, cynical life that followed in his wake of betrayal and abandonment.

In that moment, even though I did not consciously know about this metaphysical law, God was the Love that enabled me to forgive.

Continue reading “AYoMW: Feb. 15, 2020 — Father forgive me …”

Lesson 45: God is the Mind with which I think.

I admit, most of the time, I am not in my right mind. I believe all the thoughts that pass through my head in any given moment. I believe the thought that someone I love is mad at me, or the thought that my boss is plotting my demise because some other thought told me that I should feel guilty for screwing up an assignment. Other thoughts tell me that the world is on fire and I can’t do anything about it and that all leaders are liars and cheats anyway and the world would be better off without humans.

So many thoughts, sparking so many worthless anxieties, fears and doubts. Sure, there are some happy thoughts in the mix, but they are usually overwhelmed by fear-  or guilt-based thoughts that seem to take root much more quickly in my psyche.

“Salvation,” A Course in Miracles says in chapter 4, “is nothing more than ‘right-mindedness,’ which is not the One-mindedness of the Holy Spirit, but which must be achieved before One-mindedness is restored.”

Continue reading “AYoMW: Feb. 14, 2020 — I must be outta my mind!”

Lesson 44: God is the light in which I see.

The Muslim mystic poet Hafiz wrote a succinct summary of this lesson in a poem several centuries ago:

“I wish I could show you,
When you are lonely or in darkness,

“The Astonishing Light
Of your own Being!”

That inner light that we all possess is essential for us to switch from the ego’s vision of this world to God’s vision. As today’s lesson emphasizes, “In order to see, you must recognize that light is within, not without.”

We think we see light outside of ourselves – the sun shining, the lightbulb driving away the darkness of a room at night, the candle creating a romantic glow, the fire lighting up the night sky. All of these are the eye’s perception of light, but none of these lights, no matter how bright, represent the real light of Love that shines only within each of us.

It is that inner light that allows us to see through the darkness our ego projects onto the world. Our ego loves to see the dark side of everything and everyone. We project guilt, fear and hatred onto this world and perceive evil, angry and hateful people around us. All we can see in them is darkness, fear and danger.

Continue reading “AYoMW: Feb. 13, 2020 — This little light of mine”

Lesson 43: God is my Source. I cannot see apart from God.

I sometimes get my source and my channels all mixed up. Especially when I check my bank account. The middle of the month seems to be the most anxiety-producing time when I’m hoping nothing surprising shows up so the little remaining money I have will stretch to the next blessed paycheck.

I see the paycheck as my source. Coincidentally, the mortgage and car finance companies do, too. Today’s lesson reminds me that I am confused about what is what. My paycheck, as handy as it may be at keeping me fed and living indoors, is not my source – neither is the job that provides the regular pay.

God is my Source. If this job were to disappear tomorrow, something else would arise to take its place. What I needed would be provided until that happened. The in-between time may not be the lap of luxury – but all needs would be met. When I reflect the dwindling number in my bank account, I remind myself of this fact. I have never, not once, gone without my needs being met. My wants and desires? They will always be with me, but my needs? Always handled in some form or fashion.

This is what it’s like when you know God is your source. The paycheck, the job, the other streams of income are merely the channels that the Divine source uses to meet your needs (and sometimes your desires).

Continue reading “AYoMW: Feb. 12, 2020 — Go hug a tree.”

Lesson 42: God is my strength. Vision is His gift.

I have trouble asking for help. It’s not that I think I’m all that and can do what needs to get done on my own. I don’t like to feel that I’m inconveniencing people and fear that I’ll feel rejected if a string of people turn down my request. Consequently, I either do something poorly, or make a lot of mistakes, or just decide whatever I thought I needed help with could wait, or ultimately go undone.

It’s all just an ego trick, of course. Feeling reticent to connect with others and seek their assistance is a symptom of the separation. The ego tells us, “They have their lives, y’know. Asking them to go out of their way for you is selfish and a sign of weakness that you can’t handle something in your own life.”

Fostering feelings of shame, blame, insecurity and inferiority is all part of the ego’s stock and trade to keep us perpetuating the separation we feel from those around us – and also from God. In the Southern Baptist tradition in which I was raised, I was always taught to rely on God for strength – but at the same time, you had be at work, proving you were a capable “partner” with God.

Continue reading “AYoMW: Feb. 11, 2020 — Drinking at the Divine Tavern”

Lesson 41: God goes with me wherever I go.

Several years ago, I fell into a deep depression. It was just like others had described it to me – a deep dark hole that you felt you could never climb out of, no matter what. Nothing in the world mattered to me. I called this my, “fuck it” stage of depression.

The house catches fire? “Fuck it.”

The dog dies? “Fuck it.”

I win the lottery? “Fuck it.”

Nothing, good or bad, could shake me from my darkness. During that time, one of my most beloved cats did, in fact, die, and while I missed him, it didn’t rip me apart like I thought it would. I could not sink deeper into darkness, even with his death.

I keenly felt a sense of separation – from the person I loved the most at that time and even the animals I loved the most. Nothing in the world brought me joy, and going within myself to try to find that joy made me even more depressed.

It wasn’t until my psychologist put me on anti-depressant medication that my world changed. Not because the medication made me feel better. In fact, I felt worse. The first day I took the meds, I felt invincible. I got so much done and felt better. As the weeks wore on, though, the meds helped even less than nothing. I felt angry all the time.

I called my psychologist.

Continue reading “AYoMW: Feb. 10, 2020 — Just my imagination …”

Lesson 40: I am blessed as a Son (or Child) of God.

I knocked a full glass of my morning iced coffee onto the floor sometime last year, and watched as the glass shattered, spattering coffee everywhere like a caffeine crime scene.

I burst into tears. I wasn’t crying over spilled latte as much as the shattering glass and coffee explosion reminded me that life hadn’t really panned out the way I imagined it would when I was a kid. I was in the midst of a divorce and had just moved into a new house. All the ideas and plans I had conjured up for my life – the fame, the fortune, heck, even just a bit of recognition and enough money in the bank – had not seemed to appear as I thought they should have.

My life felt just as shattered as the glass I now had to clean up off the floor.

In that moment, the last thing I felt was blessed, as a Child of God or otherwise.

We all have these moments when life overwhelms us, when we feel like our dreams are cracked or obliterated, and our sense of self-worth hits zero. In those moments of stress, depression and anxiety, it’s easy to feel worthless, to feel defeated by life and count the ways we have failed in this world.

Continue reading “AYoMW: Feb. 9, 2020 — Saved by zero”

Lesson 39: My holiness is my salvation.

As a Southern Baptist kid, I was taught that hell was an actual place, with actual fire, actual demons with actual horns and pitchforks where you actually were burned alive each day but not consumed by the fire. You went there because you were a bad person in your life – or you danced, drank or wore your hair long as a boy or wore pants as a girl.

It was a scary place to think about, especially as a pants-loving girl.

When I came out as a lesbian, hell was most often the threat that was used against me. If I had a dime for every time someone told me that my sexual orientation would send me to hell, I could have bought Joel Osteen’s stadium church a million times over. That would be me, living my best life.

It took me a long, long time to overcome my fear of hell – to realize that if it truly is a literal place, I’m already there, because I have put myself in hell by believing all those stories about hell in the first place. As A Course in Miracles points out in this lesson, hell is a choice we make whenever we accept the ego’s idea that we’re guilty of something.

Continue reading “AYoMW: Feb. 8, 2020 — Oh, Hell no!”